New A&P Opening: Assistant Vice President for Comedy

Word on the street is that President Hitt in a speech to new faculty said that the President’s job is "to provide football for alumni, parking spaces for faculty, and sex for students.” He then went on to say that he felt comfortable with the first two but was going to stay away from the last.

Setting aside for a moment that this joke isn’t workplace appropriate, it isn’t funny. So, as an olive branch, I’d like to offer John some workplace inappropriate jokes that are funny. If you have ever been offended by anything in your life, please stop reading.

Workplace Inappropriate Jokes for President Hitt:

I’m considered a real stud around campus. I’ve fucked more students than differential tuition.

What’s the difference between Ken Adams and a box of shit? The Box.

The university’s strategic planning meetings are more useless than tits on a nun.

What’s the difference between an Iranian election and a BOT vote? You never know how an Iranian election might turn out.

I’d like to introduce you all to Provost Hickey. The good thing about him is that he is so short that when he blows me he doesn’t have to get on his knees.

Hitt and Nixon

Regarding my post about Hitt being noble, a reader urges Hitt to learn from Richard Nixon:

It's reminiscent of Nixon, who said in the David Frost interviews that his (Nixon's) main problem was being too soft-hearted and not firing people immediately.

"As far as the handling of this matter is concerned, it was so botched up, I made so many bad judgments. The worst ones mistakes of the heart rather than mistakes of the head, as I pointed out, but let me say a man in that top judge job, he's got to have a heart, but his head must always rule his heart."

John Hitt, a Noble Man?

From Sentinel columnist Mike Thomas (emphasis mine):

Hitt should expedite the settlement. He should apologize to the family and apologize to UCF alumni.

And then he should fire Tribble, O'Leary and whoever was the top official at the athletics department who knew of Plancher's condition.

But don't expect that to happen. In an interview Wednesday, Hitt says he plans no shake-ups.

"I don't believe he has deliberately misled us," Hitt says of Tribble. "I think he got information from a variety of sources, and it didn't make us look good because some of it turned out not to be true.

"The record I built here and the record I want to be remembered for is that I do things the right way," he continued. "I won't be swayed by public opinion to take action just because it's convenient. I don't hang people out to dry for no reason."

That's a noble sentiment from a noble man. Unfortunately, though, his athletics department is hanging the university out to dry.

The sentiment wasn’t noble, it was self-preservation. If Hitt admits the obvious and fires O’Leary or Tribble, then Hitt will be implicitly admitting that he screwed up in hiring them – Hitt is not someone who takes blame and admits mistakes.

Hitt isn’t a “noble man.” He is petty, corrupt, and duplicitous – all characteristics inconsistent with nobility. But setting that aside, what characteristics does Hitt possess that are consistent with being noble? I’m sincerely trying to think of one thing that Hitt has done that could be interpreted as noble, and I can’t do it.

Thomas must have thrown in that nobility bullshit to soften the blow of a fairly devastating essay.

Incompetence isn’t Free

Because it is so heartbreaking, I’ve tried to stay away from the Erik Plancher story. He is a UCF football player who passed away during a practice. UCF is being sued by the Plancher family for negligence.

However, I want to draw attention to this story because it demonstrates how bad UCF is at PR. From the article:

The sworn statements of two assistant coaches contradict the school's long-held stance that all staff members were aware of the football player's medical history and monitored him closely during every workout.

This kind of PR fuck up has happened more than once. Since Plancher’s death, UCF has made multiple statements to the media that have turned out to be false. Here’s PR genius Grant Heston’s comment to the Sentinel:

"Coaching staff and trainers acted appropriately at all times in connection with the workout," UCF spokesman Grant Heston said Tuesday. "While it remains university policy not to discuss specifics about the ongoing lawsuit, let me say that all public comment is based on the best information we have available at the time."

Translation: we are not liars, just incompetent. Heston is really earning that 91K a year. UCF’s solution to this PR problem will probably be to hire more PR people without firing the incompetent employees.

If You’re Bored…

Go watch video of Vice Admiral Harms getting punked out by UCF fans angry over changes to the tailgating policy.

Anonymity

I recently read a story about anonymous bloggers, and I thought I would share my thoughts on anonymity.

It may come as a surprise that the anonymity of this blog limits what I publish. There is a lot of material that doesn’t make it to the web because I feel it is the type of thing that should only be said when someone is willing to take ownership for it. The items I print are common knowledge among UCF employees. Most of my conclusions are not particularly controversial – obviously the people getting slammed and their friends disagree, but in most cases they are the only ones.

Anonymity also restrains the severity of my individual critiques. When I am critical of an individual, I try to see things from their point of view. It may be that my perspective is distorted, but I would be okay with being cited in this blog. For example if I were Karen Jans, I wouldn’t like what was written about me, but I could understand it; I would figure it was a small sacrifice to make for an unbelievable reward.

To digress briefly, most of the people who have made the cut of the day seem nice and are probably good to their family and friends; some of them I genuinely like. I do the cut of the day because stating in the abstract that UCF has worthless employees is not as convincing as actually listing employees, salaries, and responsibilities such as they are. I once expressed my remorse over a particular cut of the day to one of my favorite correspondents, and this person worried that I was “going all warm and fuzzy.”

If my identity were to become widely known, it would free me up to say much more, and I could write with a greater level of detail about my experiences with UCF. Additionally, as I had a very nice correspondent point out, if I reveal my identity then it could give much more credibility to my conclusions. Of course, if my personal characteristics suggest that I’m a crazy malcontent then it would have been a mistake to reveal myself.

When it feels right I will announce who I am. That this announcement will one day happen may provide comfort to those who are falsely suspected of being Arthur Barnhouse.

Although it is fun to write this blog, I do it for a more serious reason. It is written like a foul-mouthed, fifth grade slam book to draw attention to the reality that UCF is at a crossroads. There are two choices: Either UCF can become an enrollment juggernaut with lots of buildings and Assistant Vice Presidents for Wasting Tax Dollars, or UCF can become a serious place of learning that provides meaningful credentials. It is not possible to do both.

UCF Loves Cherry Picking Statistics

In a memo to the UCF community, Sandy Cherepow, Hitt’s senior administrative assistant, submits:

As we prepare to begin a new academic year, I am delighted to share good news with you. This years U.S. News & World Report's "America's Best Colleges" guide lauds UCF as a top 5 national university to watch.

This category recognizes national universities that "have recently made the most promising and innovative changes in academics, faculty, students, campus or facilities. UCF, which ranked No. 7 on the list last year, is the only Florida school listed in the category "Top Up-and-Coming Schools."

UCF was voted into this category by our peers from around the country - a testament to our academic, research and partnership reputation.

This is a much better description of the results (from a friend of a reader):

Not surprising, but the lead of this press release is quite misleading. UCF is not a "top 5 national university to watch." UCF is listed as #5 on the list of universities to watch. We're in the "top 5" of unranked, unremarkable universities that may or may not have potential some day to move up from the third tier.

UCF PR Could Fuck Up a Wet Dream

Despite spending too much money on public relations, UCF often gets bad press. Two recent examples:

UCF recently reduced tailgating hours, and based on the coverage in the Sentinel, it appears that many donors are pissed off and thinking about no longer supporting the program. If UCF were good at PR, they would have figured out how to persuade the boosters to support this reasonable policy change.

The second example is more important. Forbes magazine recently ranked all the colleges in the country. UCF came in 475th. I get that UCF is going to get beat by FSU and UF, but UCF lost to Florida Southern University and Eckerd College. Florida Southern and Eckerd!? UCF sucks in so many ways, but it is much better than either of those schools. It is a public relations failure that UCF got beat by colleges that cater to rich kids with poor high school records.

Folsom Prison Blues

From the Sentinel (emphasis mine):

FSU grad student Justin de la Cruz is spearheading a campaign to replace outgoing President T.K. Wetherell with rapper T-Pain, the Tallahassee Democrat reports.

A Facebook page for the "cam-pain" was pushing toward 1,800 members tonight. UPDATE: 2,400 members as of this afternoon.

T-Pain is a Tallahassee native. He's endorsed the movement though his own Facebook page, according to the newspaper.

The newspaper got this response from Wetherell, a former House speaker stepping down after six years at the helm at FSU: "I'm more a Toby Keith, Johnny Cash guy. I don't know what a T-Pain is. Can he lobby the Legislature? That's all I want to know."

Hey T.K., I think Jack Abramoff should succeed you. I know he has that little felony problem, but a felony conviction didn’t keep your brother from becoming a Provost at Daytona State College.

Florida’s universities will never have any respect if they continue to be run by lobbyists/politicians.

Question of the Day

From a reader:

I attended UCF's graduation ceremony this weekend and was forced to sit for two hours and watch the various VP's and other functionaries smirk and pat each other on the back, while the D-List speaker (Orange County School Superintendent, Ronald Blocker) mouthed platitudes about leadership and quality education.

But, what I would like to know is this: was President Hitt's omission of Ida Cook's name while acknowledging the Very Important People on stage accidental, or was it a smackdown for voting against the BOT in the July 23rd meeting? He did go back and make a point of correcting the oversight later in the ceremony, but that only seemed more awkward and weird.

Eternal Recurrence

The first line of the movie Peter Pan is: All of this has happened before, and it will all happen again. Much has happened in the past couple of months.

Hitt and Hickey love their tiny slice of power. Both exude this false modesty that only serves to demonstrate their massive arrogance. Their decisions make sense in the context of their desire to keep and expand their power. Hitt and Hickey cut academic programs instead of cutting useless AVPs because the figurative rim job they get from AVPs is more important to them than academic programs.

There have been those who have tried to stop them. The faculty union has done an admirable job of refuting Hitt and Hickey’s nonsense. At times, the Orlando Sentinel and the Central Florida Future have done reporting and opinion pieces that have exposed the inanity of UCF.

Still, Hitt and Hickey get pretty much everything they want. Why? The first reason is ironic: They get what they want because in the larger context, they are unimportant. Most people in Central Florida don’t know who John Hitt is. Anonymity facilitates corruption.

The second reason is sad: Hitt and Hickey get away with it because most state funded colleges and universities are playing the same corrupt game.

All of this has happened, will it happen again? Probably. Frank Brogan was recently appointed the Chancellor of the State University System. He is a non-academic, career politician. He will make 400K a year to lobby the legislature to give the SUS more. He has neither the necessary understanding nor the motivation to repair the system. When Hitt is gone, is it likely his replacement will be someone who is more interested in academic quality than acquiring more employees and constructing more buildings? The rubber stamps on the UCF Board of Trustees will certainly not be looking for this kind of leader.

The future is bleak but there is hope. The internet. Before the internet, it would have been impossible to get the message out about UCF. No newspaper would have printed the factually sound arguments that I make in this blog (e.g., UCF lacks academic rigor; UCF wastes money; John Hitt bribed Evelyn Lynn; David Mealor is a thief; Terry Hickey is short). If UCF administrators are shamed enough, hopefully they will shift their priorities from money to academic quality.

Question of the Day

From an Inquiring Mind at UCF:

Ray Drecker, the lead character in the new HBO television series HUNG, is a male prostitute, high school teacher and basketball coach. He is also a graduate of the University of Central Florida in the series.

The question is was the use of UCF as his school a product placement by John Hitt and his crack administration? If it is a product placement, how much did they pay for the placement and is that one of the reasons they will not pay for academic programs?

Dig of the Day

UCF administrators are a tad on the old side. A reader wrote:

It's like Cocoon without the vitality pool. Everyone is geezerfied; trust only old buds; staff with adoring appointees who applaud and nod and convene meetings.

Cut of the Day

Lyman Brodie, Associate Dean for the College of Arts and Humanities. He is paid 137K a year, and like so many of the big earners at UCF, he is incompetent. Because he can’t handle important tasks, he is usually given meaningless tasks that he doesn’t do; eventually, he gets the work assigned to someone else.