Universal Collegiate Factory

This was submitted by a reader. It’s funny:

Good afternoon and welcome to the orientation session of this section of General Education Prep 2100, here at the Universal Collegiate Factory where our motto is "You pack 'em in, we stamp 'em out." I'm Sue, your credit facilitator.

We hope our little optional attendance introduction won't take up too much of your time today. We know you have many other more important things to do than spend time at your degree program shopping site. Indeed, the Factory has asked us to remind you that on campus parking will be unavailable for customers and staff this afternoon due to the first annual [Your Corporate Logo Here] Tired Old Rock Band Festival down at the Commencement Center. Tickets are $50 and, as always, the Factory accepts all forms of payment.

This term you will be asked to complete a few minor tasks to insure that you obtain the credit you need toward your workplace approved certificate of completion formerly known as a college degree. You should not concern yourselves too much about this. This course is designed to be of the least inconvenience to your consumer lifestyles. All lectures will be available 24 hours a day. All quizzes will be multiple guess with two chances provided to take the quiz allowing you to simply look up the answers after the first round without having to be bothered with reading the material. It is, however, important that you take all the quizzes since without those numbers our upper management in Tallahassee can't be assured that you are actually learning. Please try to keep our bureaucrats happy, folks, and keep our budgets uncut.

Textbooks are always optional as is attendance at classes which still actually hold classroom meetings. As you know, there is unlimited enrollment available in our online sections here at the Factory where it's All Online, All The Time. Online sections are designed solely for the student's convenience allowing them to complete the few minor requirements for attaining credit on their own schedule. And remember, online classes are always easier because the computer does all the work for you. No need to ever miss work at your full-time job, take precious time away from your family life or curtail your social life while here at the Factory. Which reminds me that we've been asked to announce that tickets to home football games are still available. All games begin at noon with binge drinking and trashing of campus beginning at 5 p.m. the eve of games.

Should you have any questions about this course, wish to challenge your wrong answers on quizzes or simply demand your final grade be upgraded, remember that your credit facilitators are always on call 24 hours by email. In person meetings with credit facilitators and their managers, formerly department chairs, can always be arranged at the customer's convenience.

We hope this orientation has been helpful. Don't forget to go to the online Credit Facilitator Evaluation site to offer your always helpful evaluations and suggestions regarding this session. Without your numbers and comments, we can't continue to keep our paying customers satisfied. And remember, here at the Universal Collegiate Factory, we're glad you - and your money - are here!